Sometimes you write something so context-specific that you can’t usefully use it in any other capacity. In these situations you have to ask yourself “tough questions” (expression licensed from A Bunch of C*nts, May 2010) about what to actually do with the thing and whether you’re fundamentally happy with it or not.
I’m quite happy with this play. It was written for a Youtube-oriented call-out for short plays and didn’t get selected. It’s essentially ridiculous and maybe will have a life of its own one day, but right now that seems unlikely, owing to having to watch the video first and enact that onstage in a practical fashion. Anyway, do enjoy it. If you end up performing it some day then do tell me – it’s just nice to know these things…
—
“Something stupid I wrote where cats are funny on the internet”
Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=h6mlNiDkHXA
APACHE sitting onstage. A white plastic bucket over APACHE’s head. APACHE looks comfortable. NEASDEN enters, notices what APACHE is wearing, swears and almost exits immediately. NEASDEN pauses, thinks better of it and slowly advances to sit next to APACHE.
NEASDEN
Yeah. Yeah, you’re funny. You’re very funny.
APACHE
(giggling) Yeah, I know. This is brilliant. Topical and witty. Amuses me intensely, this does.
NEASDEN
You don’t think it’s got even slightly old?
APACHE
NO.
Pause. APACHE starts laughing.
APACHE
What was most funny/
NEASDEN
/you’ve said/
APACHE
/I know – what most funny was how serious you looked, like it was either a total game-changing revelation or some kind of horrible trap. And then you just stuck your head in it. Because you’re a genius.
NEASDEN
Doesn’t hurt to be curious.
APACHE
Yes it does. Yes it definitely does. There is SO much precedent for the danger posed by curiosity. To quote another human saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you look like a massive bellend’.
NEASDEN
It’s actually quite tragic when you think about it.
APACHE
Why?!
NEASDEN
I was the daring, clever one, now they just think I’m a moron.
APACHE
What?! Neasden, they did not think you were the daring and clever one.
NEASDEN
They did!
APACHE
When?! They called you ‘Neasden’!
NEASDEN
When I was on the… on the thing, they loved that.
APACHE
On the skateboard?
NEASDEN
Yeah.
APACHE
When you stood on the skateboard?
NEASDEN
…yeah
APACHE
When you stood on the skateboard and sort-of trundled around going ‘what the fuck’, and then a while later you did it again?
NEASDEN
They filmed it. Loads of times.
APACHE
They filmed ‘Friday the Thirteenth’ loads of times. Means fuck all.
NEASDEN
Why were they even filming me with the cup? I don’t even remember the camera being there.
APACHE
Yeah well… you wouldn’t.
Pause.
NEASDEN
What do you mean?
Pause.
NEASDEN
What do you mean I wouldn’t remember being there?
Pause.
APACHE
They don’t call me ‘Apache’ for nothing. I move like a shadow.
Pause.
NEASDEN
What? No. No no no no no. You can’t work a camera.
APACHE
Er, you point the bit that looks like an eye at what you want to look at and you press the big red button. Yes I can. Because I’m a genius, and you can’t get out of a cup.
Pause.
NEASDEN
Why would you do that?
APACHE
Partly, to be honest, for a massive fuck-off giggle at your expense. Enjoy. (pause) And also for you own good.
NEASDEN
How?! In what way ‘for my own good’?!
APACHE
Left to your own devices, you were gonna come to a bad end. It’s a slippery slope. They get used to the idea they can just make you do anything. Stick you anywhere and you’ll put up with it. All it takes is a house party and a mate who’s a dickhead and you end up in the tumbledryer. Or worse. Not worth it.
NEASDEN
At least they wouldn’t film that.
Pause.
APACHE
Anyway, I’ve made my point. I can probably take this off now.
Pause. APACHE does nothing.
NEASDEN
Do you need a hand?
APACHE
Nah. I’m still finding it pretty funny in its own right, to be honest.
NEASDEN
You’re very harsh.
APACHE
I’ve got quarter of a million views. Come back to me when the world stops finding it funny.
Pause.
APACHE
You know I’m right, Neasden.
NEASDEN
Maybe I was feeling the pressure. All that responsibility and expectation I didn’t even understand. It was too much. Maybe I wanted this to happen.
APACHE
(sniggers) Yeah, like most people want the whole world to see them make a tit of themselves. Obviously.
NEASDEN
Do you not worry people will think you’re being even more stupid and film you/ (APACHE turns the bucket around – on the reverse side is a fabulously-drawn portrait of a glamourous and sophisticated-looking cat)/ no, no course not, you’re a genius. (pause) Can I have a go? You know, get the monkey off my back.
Pause. APACHE slowly removes the bucket and passes it to NEASDEN. Pats NEASDEN on the shoulder and exits. NEASDEN stands holding the bucket and looking at it. Fade down.
Duncan Gates 